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intervention: shigeru miyamoto, please get a haircut

by on February 3, 2008

Partly paraphrasing and partly pasting my recent column on Next-Gen.biz (it’s not plagiarism, even if it feels like it), I say this:

Mr. Shigeru Miyamoto, you’re the next contestant on Please Get a Haircut.

I’ve never seen a photo of him with what any rational human being would describe as a “decent haircut.” According to this interview, he was born in 1952, which makes him two years younger than my father, which means he should have better hair: not so. My father, though he eats salad with his mouth wide open, has never designed a videogame, and is not in the habit of being photographed for magazines or appearing on television, has a better haircut than Shigeru Miyamoto.

I’m not saying that I want to judge Mr. Miyamoto based on his hair — I already know he’s a lovely man with gorgeous ideas. He just doesn’t look right. Some people say he looks like a lovable college professor, which is maybe true, though if he was your lovable college professor, you’d probably want him to get a haircut, for his sake.

Literally almost anything will do. Something simple and manageable. Japan is home to some of the most talented hairstylists in the world; he owes it to himself. Hell, I’ll even pay for it. I will literally put $200 in an envelope and mail it to him. Other Japanese videogame designers who have transcended the laws of awesome human-beingship include Square-Enix’s Akitoshi Kawazu (maker of the SaGa games).

Any readers out there need only Google-image search the name “Akitoshi Kawazu” (of Square-Enix and Romancing SaGa fame). Actually, here — I’ve done it for you.

It really shouldn’t be too difficult to tell the difference between the before and the after, in Kawazu’s case. Now what about those two shots of Miyamoto above? Would you believe one was taken six years before the other? The most recent of those two photos was taken just a week ago, for crying out loud.

In short, change is good. Seriously. I know game designers don’t need good hairstyles; consider it a token of my reverence for the man that I’d like to see him not look so clumpy. And what better way to express the glorious bounty of Nintendo’s recent financial and spiritual wealth (. . .) than outwardly? Who knows? If Miyamoto gets a good haircut (I would recommend growing it out for two months before cutting), maybe gamers will start paying $200 for hot hairstyles instead of purchasing every single last god-forsaken menu-based Bleach fightingesque PSP game, and the horrible parts of the industry will all wither away and die.

Alternate last sentence: in addition to confirming that Nintendo will make new Mario and Zelda games within the Wii’s lifecycle, in his recent review in Famitsu, Miyamoto says, addressing internet rumors that Wii Fit stops being fun after a few weeks and starts to feel like exercise, “I want you guys to not give up! Soldier on!” Hard to be motivated by a guy who is obviously too lazy to creatively apply a comb!

<Brandon’s Note:> Hideo Kojima would be a handsome man if he got a decent haircut once in his life. Are people scared to tell him?

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